Gina Penn, unabridged.

Expendable

You ever catch yourself in a moment when you’re thinking too deeply and you know it’s going to lead to trouble?

You ever stop and wonder how it got so far? How you let yourself lower the bar?

I sometimes do. It’s sad but true.

People are weird. They do one thing, then say another. Treat you like a friend, then don’t even bother.

You’re being pulled down a path, against your will, time keeps going yet standing still.

Where’s this thing taking me? Why don’t I have a choice? Why have I lost my voice? Why can’t I stop this ride?

You want to pick up the phone and call but you can’t. Why won’t they call first? Why aren’t they thinking of me? Have I disappeared completely? I’m not trying to hide. I’m right here. I’ve been here all along.

What’s going to happen when too much time passes by? What will it be like then? When you’re so far you’re a stranger and no longer a friend? How can I stop this ride?

I didn’t choose this. I never wanted it to be this way, yet here we are. Are we going to let this slip away, two planets a galaxy afar? Cold as ice and dead-eyed stares, awkward text messages, no one cares. There’s no warmth anymore, if there ever was.

Twenty years is a long time for nothing. We threw matches in a pool, waiting for one to light, but someone forgot to add fuel, and now it’s a lot of wasted time and past midnight. Is it time to go home? Did we ever leave? Were we ever really here to begin with?

I tried so hard, all these years, to fit in and be what you wanted me to be. But I’m expendable, the first to get cut, first to be forgotten, yeah, that’s me.

Did you hear me? Can you see me? Am I make believe?

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